28 May 2005

Fractured

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 12:11am


strange
how games
were played
numb
as i looked on
at my trust splayed open
at your feet
coloured blood-rust

strange
how screens
came up
wide
when i tried to see
through your lidded eyes
at your soul
peek-a-boo

strange
how talks
lost meaning
bland
even as i spoke
my voice echoing hollowly
around your head
walled out

strange
how lies
were told
fluid
but stuck in my throat
on the way down
to my heart
splintered dreams

strange
how fingers
probed flesh
feeling
for the fresh scabs
talons out
on smooth skin
rip, tear, gash

strange
how arms
shrunk back
detached
as i crumpled face-down
slipping unfeeling  
to the ground
powdered ash



Current Mood: Destructive
Current Music: Socho ke Jheelon ka Shehar ho -- Mission Kashmir

15 Apr 2005

Abyss

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 9:54pm


Skirting around
the spaces between
Smoothly surround
the void unseen

Eggshells they are
emotions displayed
Pale yellow scar
where dues were paid

Evil intent
exactly we hit
Laying torment
making the split

Foes are we now
rivals tonite
Bitter words plough
garbed polite

What was it then
what is it here
What is it when
we polish the spear

Thirsting for gore
and wanting distress
We aim, we score
gleeful finesse

Skirting around
the spaces between
Burial mound
a macabre scene



Current Mood: Vicious
Current Music: Gary A - Loving You Against My Will

1 Mar 2005

Close My Eyes & Die

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 2:24am


sure i'd live your dream
try hard to make it seem
like its what i want to do
but its kind of hard to fake
isn't it give and take
that's what they say is true

i want so hard to be
to make myself agree
to walk the path you chose
sometimes i wish i could
kill my thoughts for good
but then my pace, it slows

a tiny voice betrays
you live your life, it says
how many will you please?
they want a lot from you
they'll make you do it too
and bring you to your knees

sometimes it's hard to live
for others, hard to give
your all, and they want more
wonder if its right
give up without a fight
how much can one endure?

i want to be alone
with a heart made of stone
and if i listened to my head
then i'd do it all
from behind the mortar wall
around the heart that's dead



Current Mood: Screwed
Current Music: Rod Stewart - Sometimes When We Touch

14 Feb 2005

Letting go

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 8:42pm


It feels strange to talk to a half. When you've seen two people together for about six years, you get used to it. And then when I ask him how she is now, he says "We are no longer together." For six years I saw them, parts of them, all of them, promises, waits, fights, making up, sighs, smiles, tears - all that a relationship is. And now he says they are not together. I probe gently, not sure whether it will be welcome. It's been a while since I've talked to him. But the flat statement does not seem like it's over. It cannot be. The end of the love I was witness to cannot be so clinical - summed up in five words.

It's strange to talk to him. "It's only memories now," he says. And, "I'll be a guest in her wedding. I'm scared." Yes, scared is right. I am too, for him. I wonder what it is for. Is pride more important than happiness? He says it isn't, but then it is 'the right thing to do' - leaving her. Is it?

Ten years, washed away. Gone. But a lingering scent remains. Like old clothes taken out from an old trunk... some presence, an indication that something was here, where there's just this black nothingness now. It's apparent in his words when I talk to him.

Our conversation is full of trite phrases: 'It will be ok with time', 'Yes, it get's better after a while', 'If you're unhappy, maybe you should rethink', 'No, why stir it up. It's not going to happen...' It's sad that something so full of life and real should be reduced to this.

7 nov 04. 15:30

-for rv


Times change
and so do we
From lovers
to friends
to awkward strangers
...now

but i worry...
what will become of you?

if not i
then someone who
earns twice as much
looks better
a different caste
or your father likes him
maybe...

but someone who
loves as i did
makes you laugh
looks into your eyes
and sees your dreams
hopes, nightmares

holds you close
wipes your tears
lends you hope
for days when no one
seems to be yours
listens, comforts
wraps around you
a soft eiderdown
blanket of love

watches you soar
achieve the heights
you're destined to,
and smiles
seeing your success
as his own

understands, at times
you have to be alone
knows that you need
love affirmations
and random hugs

feels your smile
against his neck
your warm breath
when you whisper
I love you...

...maybe not.

14 feb 05.



Current Mood: Feeling Better
Current Music: Ok, so I am a closet romantic... but I swear Im fightin it.

24 Dec 2004

Artifice

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 10:09am


how much do you know?
a layer or two
a half-baked assumption
without any clue
my image in your mind
spurious, untrue

why do you talk?
with words you don't mean
a lifelong pretense
from behind a screen
faceless masquerade
robotic machine

what do you care?
for the hurt you inflict
deep, hurtful words
the choicest, hand-picked
lay open the wounds
so carefully licked

when would you stop?
this amusing game
end the deceit
the shifting of blame
let me mourn fully
the girl i became



Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: Celtic harp

11 Dec 2004

euphoria

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 12:44am


A handful of stars
tied with a rainbow
Dropped into my lap one day
I forgot the scars
my world aglow
With a piece of a sun's ray.

-22.08.04.

Felt like cheering myself up a little.



Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Badi nazuk hai ye manzil

2 Nov 2004

Echoes in the Darkness

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 6:35am


the off-white blankness beckons again
inviting the smoothened flow of pen
neat, lined, single-ruled sheets
waiting to absorb vacuous troubled state

frantic words,
poured out,
trip over themselves
scratch against the paper
in their haste to escape
from suffocating, constricting mind-brain

but it's been done
too many times
i guess i am immune to the cure
the unburdening on paper fails to soothe

the serenity i crave
remains imprisoned somewhere
behind the rib-cage
screaming fultilely, echoing the darkness.

-- written just now.
While I was writing this, I had the image of my mind being a closed place with pitch-black darkness, and my thoughts shimmering like ghosts in there... surrounding me, mocking me.

-- I read it over objectively and realised how totally depressing it is. But I cannot stop the craziness. It's like the fascinating absorption I had for staring at Veerappan's morbid bullet-hole-in-the-head photo on the front pages. Sometimes the mind is a sick place.



Current Music: A dog howling outside, low full-throated howls

23 Sep 2004

Heaven froze over

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 10:26pm


As I stood before the gates of heaven, I forgot all my doubts, all my misgivings. I shut off all those voices telling me I wasn't the chosen one. Looking upon those golden gates, the wonderful heaven within, I just couldn't wait to get in and sample my own private paradise. Once those gates were laid open, I wandered in, struck by the enchanting beauty, the unsurpassed exquisiteness of all that was offered. Time ceased to exist; my mind could hardly deal with the wondrous feelings flooding me. Nothing, I thought, could describe the sheer happiness that flooded me for those minutes, days, weeks?

More than  the surroundings, the peace which filled every core of my being - the elevating feeling of tranquillity, satisfaction and completeness - that was overwhelming. I was so engrossed by the lovely serenity that I failed to notice the subtle changes. The cold winds of change that blew in from nowhere. A sharp chill suddenly invaded my paradise. I explained it away, like a few moments passing by. Little did I know that the coldness had come to stay, to mar my happiness and steal my comfort.

The change was gradual but increasing each day. The lush trees were stripped off their covers; the blooms wrinkled and fell to the ground. The birds stopped singing and the little animals disappeared. My friends, my mates in heaven abandoned me one by one --- and still I thought that it would pass.

I lived in this naive dream for a while before I came to a small bud. It strengthened my hope, supported my dream. I started at it, the light yellow base blending into pure white at the top. The lonely bud, struggling against a dying heaven. I stuck to it. I knew that until this bud survived, there was still hope. I shielded it from the harsh winds, nurtured it with the warmth of my body and the love from my heart... for an eternity.

But the end, when it came, was unexpected. Focussed solely on shielding the tiny symbol of hope I'd found, I had neglected the life-giver... the small sapling on which the bud was. One day, it withered and dried, signifying a sure death of my small, beautiful bud. Seeing the imminent destruction, yet unable to accept it; I sat with my hands cupped around the soft, fragile thing. For long hours, hope stagnant... and then when I finally opened my closed hands, I saw the death.

The end of everything, the final blow to my flimsy hope. My dreams shattered before my eyes and I could have wept.

How I wish I could have wept...



Current Mood: Cold
Current Music: Blessed silence

17 Aug 2004

Just once

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 9:55am


To live just once
Inside my head
Where darkness implodes
on itself...

Where I look closely
at myself
Hating the total
worthlessness

To see just once
Through your eyes
Where beauty reigns
absolute...

Where I fall in love
once again
With all that is
purely me.

Different points of view. Each person comes into a relationship with his own baggage, his own beliefs, values, confused thoughts and a unique combination of circumstances which make him what he is at any given point of time. To see another's point of view exactly as he sees it himself... is that truly possible? Sometimes it just is... and then you have to decide whether you like the view. Thinking... maybe you really are wrong and he is right. The maybes are tough. The thinking is draining.

What happened last night?

Half-baked thoughts, these.



Current Mood: Happy
Current Music: Something Stupid

7 Aug 2004

Of You

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 2:02pm


Sifting
through what I have of you
Precious little, I realise

Two brittle roses
Red
long dead
Pressed into forgotten books.

My name in blue
On snowy white
inside a star
Surrounded by you.

A yellow scrap
of soothing feelings
naughty thoughts
and yearning wants.

And lastly --
Those memories
Pasted painstaking in the scrapbook
in a part of my mind
Constant. Comforting. Hurting.
Our memories.

Sometimes what we have of someone is so little, compared to what that person was, has been, will always be in our lives. I guess material things do not matter. This was meant as a dedication when I thought our relationship had come to an end. Now I wonder if it will ever end. Never seeing each other again, no contact... is that an end?



Current Mood: Cold
Current Music: Rules - Chhodo na mujhe

2 Aug 2004

Raindance

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 7:36pm


Leaden skies and heavy grayness. Delicious fried corn-on-the-cob scents in the air. Memories of days past... and ones from those I've yet to make. Each day the same, blending into each other. Shouts from the children playing outside, quibbling self-importantly. I smile as the memories surface... I've done the same. Palms wrapped around the mug filled with steaming coffee, I lean over the railing of the balcony. Part of a scene - the unseeing observer.

Thoughts criss-cross my mind. I revisit days long gone. Walking through mood-induced by-ways... and smiling at the girl I was. (I think I liked her.) Too many soul-less grey days hover.... A later me, a different time, yet the same. Days gone by without a thought. Wasted, in the innocence which time eventually steals from us... those days would never come back. The memories just linger vaguely. Perennial deja vu.

A deep breath of the clean, fresh air heavy with the promise of rain. The dark skies get darker, I feel more alone. Lost. The thunderstorm is here. The first round plop raindrop bursts lazily on the asphalt road.

The raindance begins.



Current Mood: Feeling Better
Current Music: Nothing

1 Aug 2004

Tears

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 1:00pm


The first tears gathered up all the hurt in my eyes and washed them out, creating a path down my dry cheeks, on to my chin; and dripped down, away from me. Again and again, as my soul replenished the drowned sadness in my eyes. The tears worked overtime, leaving my eyes empty; only to be filled with hurt yet again.

Current Mood: Sad
Current Music: No good emotes. No music. I hate this part of posting.

30 Jul 2004

Words

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 7:20pm


These words on paper
Tame useless words
cannot explain the turmoil

My lead-like emotions
my choked throat
glazed, over bright eyes
Blue words on white?

Dulled pain of loss
Fresh stabs of hurt - at memories
That everyday mask with people
Can words convey?

Staring into nothing
As thoughts rage
Caged, in my mind
-- Words fail.



Current Mood: Cold
Current Music: None

28 Jul 2004

I see your tears

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 9:44am


I see your tears
In the dead of the night
A dream or real - the sight?
They feed my fears
Alone with my plight
Too many visions to fight

I see your face
And the pain in your eyes
Where something slowly dies
That empty place
Where quiet shadows rise
Mute helplessness replies

I see your need
So stark, nakedly shown
Which you try to disown
You gently bleed
But walk on alone
To another world unknown



Current Mood: Gloomy
Current Music: None

28 Jun 2004

(Bits of you) Safe in me

Posted by Pye in Poetry | 10:06am


Bits of you
haunted I sit
They play upon my memory

Shifting planes
of grief and joy
Random mix of imagery

Where one starts
another ends
The endless, moving tapestry

Sweetest scents
of times elapsed
Bitter at times, some sugary

In each other
the bodies fit
Exact physical symmetry

Velvet soft
your touch on me
So exquisitely feathery

Grasp a scene
so soft and smooth
Withhold a while, then set it free

Spells you cast
I'm hypnotised
Your own brand of sorcery

Close my eyes
And see you there
Then smile because you're safe in me.

14-10-03

Just memories overwhelming the senses... :o)



Current Music: Did I mention I hate the emoticons?
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